In the past week and a half I have heard about more disruptions than the total of last year. Now either they are just becoming more visible and talked about, or the adoption community is starting to take a terrible blow.
From the information that I have read or received, a number of disruptions are the result of the perspective parents not doing any research. Thereby setting up unrealistic expectations. The parent can already have bio children, work in the health industry as a doctor or nurse, be a teacher, but that does not prepare the parent for a child with orphanage issues and unknown back history. Case in point, the Mother who was a Pediatrician that abused her adopted daughter to the point of killing her within 3 months of adopting her. She was a Pediatrician, shouldn't SHE have been the perfect parent? If you don't read, research, talk to other adoptive parents you DON'T know and you DON'T understand what you are getting into. And it is so unfair to the child for the parents to cast them into an unrealistic role of a grateful, typical teenager, cute Chinese doll role.
If I hadn't done my research when I adopted my first teenager, frankly I don't know what I would have done. She had been home 2 weeks and I asked her not to wear a ponytail for the school picture. Well, she threw one whale of a tantrum, crying extremely loud, screaming throwing herself on the floor, pulling her hair out in chunks and trying to break things. And this was just the first of many. Luckily, I had read about this, and knew exactly how it should be handled. Then there was "I hate you!" to her younger sisters and being incredibly mean and impatient (which went on for about 3 years). Again, I learned how to handle it, what caused it, and it takes a long time to dissipate. It's the knowing that helps you get through the hard times. And it's the not knowing that freaks parents out into disruptions.
Parents that have disrupted because of their child being diagnosed with RAD, or oppositional defiant disorder have something quite different to deal with. I know parents that have had early diagnosis for their child (before puberty) and went into intense RAD therapy that the parents work incredibly hard each day and the child develops into a loving attached child (after years of hard work). Then again I have heard where even therapy and hard work did not help. Bottom line with a RAD diagnosis, if you don't get immediate therapy with a professional who has been specially trained the child will probably ruin the parents lives. And there are times when 'the fit' just doesn't work and tears the family apart even with doing their homework on adoption. But that is only in severe cases.
I wish that I could reach out and help some of these children who are being so misunderstood and mistreated because of the way they're expected to act. Their lives are being made miserable and they end up going into a deep depression. I would almost call the parents who act like this "Bullies".
OK, I'm off my soap box. No one needs to agree with me, I just needed to vent because at this moment I know of two 13 year old girls recently adopted and suffering because their new parents are making unreasonable demands on who they should be and how they should act. It breaks my heart.
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Kathleen,
ReplyDeleteOur first adoption attempt was of a 4-1/2 year old boy from Russia whose adoption was disrupted about four months after he came to America. The parents had a seven year old bio daughter who was "perfect" and the mother, in her defense, had not felt anything for the boy while in Russia, but everyone told her it was just nerves, that they would bond later. Of course they didn't. When we asked what was "wrong" with him, we were told that at Easter he stuffed his mouth full of candy, was scolded for doing so, and spit it out all over the place. We were like, really? That's it? He's four years old, probably hasn't had that much candy, is worried it's going to be taken away if he doesn't fill up on it, etc., etc. There were a few other incidents, but they all made sense, given his background. In the end, we were the second family of four qualified and paper-ready families to want him, and the first family adopted him after meeting him. So a very happy ending. And we got our 4-1/2 year old boy from China a few years later. But they come with needs. And backgrounds. And personalities. I think this last one is the hardest one for some people to anticipate. They decorate a pink room for a girl that likes blue. They expect a princess and she's a tomboy. They want him to play baseball with Dad and he wants to play videogames. They're not blank slates.
Again, I hope that you can help these two girls and their families to come together.
BTW, I'm a teacher. Teachers, pediatricians, etc., often think that they know everything about children. No one does, of course. And being a good parent is about being a parent.