Monday, March 31, 2014

I have not dropped out again, I have had a severe flu since Thursday.  I've been sleeping a lot and trying to feel 'normal' again.  I think I have a few days left to get there.....

It's interesting when you get really sick, you become more sensitive to things.  Or should I say more aware and open?  Because my sensitivity level is at its peak, which I usually have under control and in charge, I have been forced to feel and come to some very serious understandings about myself and my children.

For some time I have been trying to figure out  the balance between nurturing, discipline, setting boundaries, etc.  I feel I am missing a part, I need to give more love & warmth, I'm constantly reprimanding myself for not doing better.

An email came in today advertising the singer who will be appearing at the coffee house.  So I clicked on his #uotube link and started listening.  He sang a song a cappella called, I kn*w what l*ve is.  The depth of my pain listening to this song is indescribable.  I could not stop the tears, it was a silent flood. The enormity of the pain and realization washed over me.  I have NEVER experienced that sort of love, ever.  That is why I have struggled to give more to my children, I just didn't know how, because I didn't know what it felt like.  The depth of this pain and sadness is for realizing what I never had, and still don't.  Not to say that it might change though.

That's all for now.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

The day got away with me again, so catching everyone up will have yo wait until tomorrow.  But I will tell you this I did find the answers about my deaf daughter's background.  At first, if you remember, we all thought, as did she, that she had a family and she had been adopted out with out their permission.  After a huge amount of going back and forth in emails to the adoption agency and the  Chinese officials, they finally gave me most of the truth. We are still not clear on her age, but apparently, she was with the same foster family for many years.  So as far as my daughter was concerned, that was her real family.

Now trying to find that family, which has her real history and photos of her a s a little girls, will be very difficult.  But I will try.

More tomorrow.
Look at them now....all young ladies.

I'm Back...

You know its been so long, that it took me 20 minutes to figure out how to sign on again!    So much to catch you all up on, I know it has been quite a while, it got to a point that the Blog was using so much of my personal energy that I just couldn't continue.

There were many of you that were so supportive in my tough moments and celebrated the good times as well.  I'm sorry if I left you all hanging.  I have no idea if anyone is receiving this any more.  Please let me know if anyone is still out there, because I would love share my updates on the girls.  There have been some very dark times and a few victories as well.

I look forward to hearing from you all, and I will start writing tomorrow about what has been going on.

Just know, that it is now FIVE teenage girls living under one roof...