Sigh, I am presently in conversation with two families that have come home recently and have totally unrealistic expectations (to smile and be friendly at relatives, like your new brother and sister, be perfect and loving). These children, adopted from two different countries have issues that all abandoned children have. To expect them not to be angry, frustrated, scared, and full of defenses is unrealistic. These two families are taking the children's behaviors as personal assaults and can not see the big picture, of a child in a strange country, scared, doesn't speak the language to ask questions or express fears, totally in culture shock and doesn't quite understand what is happening to them.
My heart breaks for the children. I have written many emails explaining this is normal, sent articles, even emails of other parents going through the same thing and coming out on the other side saying it was all worth it.
I have offered several suggestions where to seek help, if all else fails we will be a respite home for one or both until suitable families can be found.
I am feeling the hurt and confusion of these children. Why don't parents do their homework BEFORE they adopt so they can understand what they are getting into? It is mind boggling that they expect these children to smile and be grateful... I am speechless.
I will continue to try and advocate for the child as best I can, and hope the parents make the right choices...
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Kathleen,
ReplyDeleteI hope that you can get through or, barring that, help the chid/children in these cases. Our adoption went well, but of course our son was scared and there are times when he still acts afraid that what he now knows as his life could be taken away from him. It bothers me deeply when I follow adoptive parents (I'm following one now) who get excited because their child didn't cry when they received them. I just want to shout-Danger! but they won't hear it even if I say it. And I can't even count the number of times that people call their Chinese daughters China Dolls, perpetuating a terrible stereotype in our society, or princesses, when they are just little girls. I even have a problem with the term gotcha! day because this is one of the most traumatic days in an adopted child's life and it may be something we've looked forward to, but it certainly isn't something that most of them have looked forward to. Gotcha! sounds like the poor kid is being snatched, and I think that many of them view it that way-wouldn't you?
So keep plugging for them.
You are right, of course, about the unrealistic expectations of these parents, but I also think we need to lay some blame at the door of the Social Workers who should have been preparing these families as part of the home study and I believe some post adoption follow up from them is in order too. Gratitude? What nonsense, even birth children don't express that! I hope these families get some help so they can parent these children successfully.
ReplyDelete