Monday, March 31, 2014

I have not dropped out again, I have had a severe flu since Thursday.  I've been sleeping a lot and trying to feel 'normal' again.  I think I have a few days left to get there.....

It's interesting when you get really sick, you become more sensitive to things.  Or should I say more aware and open?  Because my sensitivity level is at its peak, which I usually have under control and in charge, I have been forced to feel and come to some very serious understandings about myself and my children.

For some time I have been trying to figure out  the balance between nurturing, discipline, setting boundaries, etc.  I feel I am missing a part, I need to give more love & warmth, I'm constantly reprimanding myself for not doing better.

An email came in today advertising the singer who will be appearing at the coffee house.  So I clicked on his #uotube link and started listening.  He sang a song a cappella called, I kn*w what l*ve is.  The depth of my pain listening to this song is indescribable.  I could not stop the tears, it was a silent flood. The enormity of the pain and realization washed over me.  I have NEVER experienced that sort of love, ever.  That is why I have struggled to give more to my children, I just didn't know how, because I didn't know what it felt like.  The depth of this pain and sadness is for realizing what I never had, and still don't.  Not to say that it might change though.

That's all for now.

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