My apologies for not being around for a few days.  That virus took a total of 3 weeks to leave my body. That was a fist.

Then the husband and a daughter came down with it. then Spring break.  It's now 12:45 am, so I will be picking up where I left off tomorrow, since I need to get up in four and a half hours.

I will share the challenges that have come to us, as a family, in the past years.

I will add, anyone with adopted children may want to read my next post.  As I was blind sided when this happened to us.  And I had researched and studied all, at least I thought all, the issues that come with adopted children.  I want to give you all a heads up, in case this situation ever presents itself to you.

I thought as an adoptive parent I was as prepared as I could be.  Reading books, article, belonging to 15 Yahoo groups where you learn from others , etc.  I mean I really tried to be aware of how to support my children and their issues.    But no where was there ever any mention, in the 12 years I have been reading about adoption, was it mentioned the severity of the reaction of hormones on their adoption issues.

Yes, now there is a great Group that deals with those issues, but before, no.

SO I was completely and utterly blindsided when it all happened, not with one of the girls, but all five in different intensities and seriousness.

I will go into detail tomorrow, its bed time and I've been sick for over a week now, and I need my sleep becaue there are two others now sick in the family...figures doesn't it?

I did not have the time yesterday to sit and start writing.  The fact that I have two 11th graders throws me into somewhat of a panic, because I am clueless on this whole college scholarship thing.  Last night I brought them to a seminar on how to write your best essay.  And we went to a huge college fair the other night, and I have reams of research that I'm also doing.

Now, trying to remember what has passed in the couple of years I didn't do any writing....

I previously said that it has come to light that the family that we believed belonged to my deaf daughter may be in fact a foster family that she was with for over 6 years. Of course, to get even this small amount of information it took months of emailing back and forth from  a contact at Chinese adoption center, my adoption agency and my self.  My adoption agency was so keen on making sure  everything was 'satis quo', that they kept making excuses.  I had to continually push them to keep asking, and asking specific questions, AND simultaneously trying to find a contact address and info on my other daughter's Grandmother.  Which is desperately important, because my daughter feels huge amounts of guilt of leaving her Grandmother behind.

So, I am trying to get the truth for two of my children from my adoption agency who finds every excuse to avoid giving straight answers.  Aren't these agencies supposed to be there to find families for children and then support those families so that they can be the best possible parents?  My mistake for assuming that.

This particular agency also has some shady dealings with an orphanage that rounds up older kids from families, then adopts them out, and those kids, stay in contact with their families knowing that they'll be returning with a free education from America.  I know of at least 13 confirmed cases of teenagers here in the US, and the adoptive parents are heartbroken.  Because these kids never settled into the family as they knew they already had a family in China and would be going home.  So the connection to the parents and siblings never happened.

But I digress.  Among all the emails that passed between me and the agency, there were a lot of discrepancies.  Even the translations they gave me from the Chinese by their person on staff was wrong.  How do I know?  Two of my girls are till fluent in Chinese. I am still working through the convoluted information they have sent me to figure out what is truth and what is fiction.  AT one point they said my daughter's age is 3 years older then I have had medically proven. Yet another reason we need to find the family she lived with for over 6 years.  More on that a bit later.

 Isn't it pathetic that adoptive parents have to jump through such hoops and the adopted children continue to suffer with unknown facts & lies.

I am some what better today, so by tomorrow, I should have most of my health back.

Tomorrow I will start the long process of what has been happening these past two years with all five girls.  The journey has been extremely difficult to the point where there were times I did not know what to do or where to turn, so I had no choice but to go by instinct and hope.

I have not dropped out again, I have had a severe flu since Thursday.  I've been sleeping a lot and trying to feel 'normal' again.  I think I have a few days left to get there.....

It's interesting when you get really sick, you become more sensitive to things.  Or should I say more aware and open?  Because my sensitivity level is at its peak, which I usually have under control and in charge, I have been forced to feel and come to some very serious understandings about myself and my children.

For some time I have been trying to figure out  the balance between nurturing, discipline, setting boundaries, etc.  I feel I am missing a part, I need to give more love & warmth, I'm constantly reprimanding myself for not doing better.

An email came in today advertising the singer who will be appearing at the coffee house.  So I clicked on his #uotube link and started listening.  He sang a song a cappella called, I kn*w what l*ve is.  The depth of my pain listening to this song is indescribable.  I could not stop the tears, it was a silent flood. The enormity of the pain and realization washed over me.  I have NEVER experienced that sort of love, ever.  That is why I have struggled to give more to my children, I just didn't know how, because I didn't know what it felt like.  The depth of this pain and sadness is for realizing what I never had, and still don't.  Not to say that it might change though.

That's all for now.

The day got away with me again, so catching everyone up will have yo wait until tomorrow.  But I will tell you this I did find the answers about my deaf daughter's background.  At first, if you remember, we all thought, as did she, that she had a family and she had been adopted out with out their permission.  After a huge amount of going back and forth in emails to the adoption agency and the  Chinese officials, they finally gave me most of the truth. We are still not clear on her age, but apparently, she was with the same foster family for many years.  So as far as my daughter was concerned, that was her real family.

Now trying to find that family, which has her real history and photos of her a s a little girls, will be very difficult.  But I will try.

More tomorrow.

Look at them now....all young ladies.

I'm Back...

You know its been so long, that it took me 20 minutes to figure out how to sign on again!    So much to catch you all up on, I know it has been quite a while, it got to a point that the Blog was using so much of my personal energy that I just couldn't continue.

There were many of you that were so supportive in my tough moments and celebrated the good times as well.  I'm sorry if I left you all hanging.  I have no idea if anyone is receiving this any more.  Please let me know if anyone is still out there, because I would love share my updates on the girls.  There have been some very dark times and a few victories as well.

I look forward to hearing from you all, and I will start writing tomorrow about what has been going on.

Just know, that it is now FIVE teenage girls living under one roof...